followme: 2015

Monday, October 26, 2015

I have decided to journal my descent into Dementia. It has become noticeable the last three months. My writing , and reading ability have deteriorated greatly. My art has become unreliable at best . Some paintings are great , and some are disgusting and equivalent to the work of a five year old . I never know what the end result will be until it has finished.

I am riddled with self doubt and embarrassed at this dilemma and depressed to know that things will only get worse. The other day I was taking my friend to pick up his repaired car and ended up at the phone store. Immediately I knew I was at the wrong place and embarrassed I proceeded to the car repair shop.

I take a pill and two seconds later I cannot remember if I took it. Sure there methods to avoid this kind of slippage , but I can never remember what they are or to follow those routine steps.With meds it is better skip if I cannot remember. No medicine is better than too much! These kinds of things are fearful and I remind myself to use extreme caution with meds.

When I read I can only remember very little and after a short time nothing, but only an essence of what was written. This has become very distressing because I am an avid book reader and frequently quote passages from memory Now I must copy them outright. I also thank God for spell checker or no one could read my writing. I always took pride in my reading and writing abilities.. It is sad for me to loose this ability.

Like John Steinbeck writing a novel I vow to work every day even if it is bad quality. I am going to produce until I physically or mentally can't.

I also get very angry when I can't get things right because I am frustrated. My poor wife has to listen to my garbage rants. She Is a Saint! I often slap myself in the head when I cannot find the simplest word to express myself. I am really not mad at God or any one person, but my patience with myself is very thin because of the high standards I have set for myself in the past.

I think that most Mexican drivers already have extreme form of my disease. I detest them !

That is all for now but I have much more to say on this subject.
Sincerely a Diminishing Steve Dawson